How I fell in Love Before 2019
I fell in love at the end of 2018. It wasn’t planned or forced and it’s honestly still very new to me. It feels like I’m hearing my favorite song for the first time whenever I’m with them. Imagine being with someone that made you feel like a star without ever needing to shine. In their eyes you’re the magnum opus of all beings. Seasons cease to exist because the time y’all spend together is a moment that isn’t confined to one linear space on a calendar. Like I said, this is all very new to me so my descriptions, though vivid, are all still built on factual feelings. Honestly, for a long time I didn’t think I was someone that would “fall in love.” It’s not that I think I’m undeserving of love, but the fear of giving my heart away for it to just be discarded isn’t some shit I take lightly. No one should. But I’m not scared this time around, I don’t think I have ever experienced this type of love before because I’m not fearful and I’m not trying to control anything. I am going with the flow because I believe the universe is rewarding me with what I have been patiently praying for. This is also the first time I have met someone that has challenged my way of thinking while still encouraging my growth. We talk shit to each other because it’s funny but not shady. We talk often and it’s always an exchange of some sort. We discuss everything before making a decision, big or small. I feel like being able to openly exchange how you feel about someone is a big part of understanding yourself. Have you ever had a self-care day while you’re in love? Let me tell you..top 2 feeling ever. Imagine spending the day with the person you love and all y’all do is any and everything that warrants happiness for both parties.
That’s how 2018 ended for me. I fell in love with myself or I learned “how to love myself.” I know this started off under the guise that I had met someone, but nah. I spent the better part of 2017 and 2018 unlearning harmful behaviors and re-learning how to properly love myself. See, I don’t think any of us come out the womb hating ourselves. I think self-hate is learned and this wack-ass society we are living in does very little to help us. It’s wild that at this big age I can finally say I am no longer drowning in insecurities that were ultimately fueled my own self-hatred. I say ‘big age’ as a reminder that there’s no limit or deadline for when things finally “click”…they just do. It’s important to feel like within yourself, you have a place you can call home. This is my third time saying this but this is all still very new to me. It’s not that I hated myself per say, but I have never really “loved myself” in the way that I should. I never took the time to actually get to know me and learn the things I wanted. I honestly rode waves that brought me the most “secure” happiness for that moment, I played it safe a lot. Loving yourself is hard work that requires daily attention. Like there are some days I have to remind myself of where I was and who I used to be to motivate me to get going. You kinda have to put yourself first and not feel selfish about it. I saw this quote that said “you can’t pour from an empty cup” and it further made me understand that self love isn’t selfish. I feel like loving yourself and being confident in who you are... man that’s the greatest love of all. Word to Whitney.