20 Something Dating: The Slump

I am about to get very personal. So, I turn 30 next year. I didn't really realize it until a couple weeks ago actually, but indeed my 20's are vastly coming to an end. I thought I had shaken those 'turning 30 year old anxieties.' I thought I had stopped 'shoulding' all over myself. I thought I had stopped caring that my life didn't look like or measure up to the "normal timeline of things." But nope, once I realized I was turning 30 next year and I was more single than I have ever been in my entire life (I am currently not dating, talking to, having sex or even conversing on a regular basis with a man), I felt this huge pit in my stomach. I felt lonely and unloved. It felt very weird because all of this really hard work, soul searching, self care and personal development vanished. Poof. Right into thin air--gone. I began to feel scared. That what if all this work I had done on myself was for nothing? Because if a small realization like a birthday could disqualify all of this work I've done with just a thought--did I actually do the work? And if so, did that work really help?

Full disclosure, I have been in a bit of an emotional depression these past couple of days thinking on why I haven't met a guy that has felt right in so long. Why does it that even the ones that seem right for a minute so quickly flushes out to be the wrongest of them all. I wonder if I'm being too hard on them or myself or if I'm just really unlovable in a romantic relationship. I've been thinking about this for days. Backwards and forwards. With no resolve and no answers. Side note: I do not have any answers, anecdotes or quality take-a-ways for this post.

I am not saying that I don't know the great parts about who I am. I'm not discounting my character or my personality but when something has been a pattern for a certain amount of time--you begin to wonder, is it me? Is it just a slump? Is it just my time to be single? Is being single the worse thing ever? When is it acceptable to say that you're passed being alone to being lonely? Does that make you weak saying aloud that you're lonely? Or strong because you admitted it? 

I don't know. I do know that I won't feel like this forever. Even if I never am fulfilled in this regard, I know that eventually I'll climb out of the slump and focus on other aspects that are fulfilling or need work. I know that I'll potentially fall into another slump and have some of these same questions. Because I'm human. We all are. It's okay to admit out loud the crap that scares you. The stuff really deep inside that shakes your core because you don't even want to say it out loud to yourself. But you have to--in order to work on it you have to admit it.

So here goes, here is mine: I am scared that I'm not in a dating slump or single-phase. I'm scared that this may be my reality for a long time. And I don't know how to be okay with that if that is the case. 

This is the second post in 4 years of blogging that I've actually had anxiety about pressing publish on because it does feel so personal--but I really hope this resonates with someone. And you realize you're not alone. No, that WE are not alone.

Happy Tuesday 20 Somethings.

xx,

brandisjaniese

 

Brandis Haynes