On the eve of a new calendar year, I start reflecting back on what 2018 meant to me. The year started with me sicker than I’ve ever been in my entire life. Hospital after doctor’s care after ENT—I couldn’t figure out why I just couldn’t get better. One night, I was laying in bed and I choked on air (due to my congested pathways and ‘watery’ lungs) and couldn’t breathe. I gasped and tears rolled down my face because I honestly thought maybe this is how I would die. I’m not kidding. In the few moments that it actually lasted—I came to terms with what it was and asked God to grant my family peace after my passing.
Obviously, I didn’t die—in my moments of calm I was able to stop gasping and force some air into my lungs. But the next day, my fever spiked and I was back at the hospital. I remember being so miserable and feeling so very alone. I really didn’t express how seriously ill I had become to my family and close friends because honestly, I hate complaining and asking for help. So a lot of the times, I suffered in silence. Fast forward 9 months and I finally was given a prognosis to some of my symptoms and treatment plans. I’m on the mend—thank GOD. But while all of this was happening, life still happened. I organized a move. I got some of the most heart-wrenching news I could get about a family member. I lost family members. I realized a lot of eye-opening things about close friends that’s really shaping how I go forward in my relationships. I decided that even family can be toxic and should be removed from any real interaction if the relationship is unhealthy. I greatly questioned my purpose and place. Financially, I made too many blunders. In school, I realized I’m not as smart as I thought. I also realized that I’m not as productive as I think I am. I dealt with so many small obstacles that kept building up—one after the other, it felt like they were adding up to mountains. Sheesh, you’d think 2018, was trying to teach me a little something huh? Well duh.
2018, taught me that absolutely nothing can break my spirit, shake the emotional stability I’ve built or phase the peace I’m come to create in my life. I know it’s okay to be upset/feel pathetic/be angry in the moment but I recover fast and keep moving forward. With everything there is a lesson and blessing and if you search for the lesson—even in the worst of times, you’ll find that you can persevere through any and everything.
So for 2019, my intention is to go into it knowing that I’m unstoppable. I am my biggest asset or liability. I determine the trajectory of my purpose and only if I lose sight of knowing that will I then fold. But even if I fold, I can still come out of it. I have also grown to realize that in the moments of silence and loneliness, I do my best work creatively. So instead of be feeling sad—I’ll turn that energy into something creative or productive. I know that in 2019, none the matter what the scale says, my relationship status, my net worth, my social media following, readership on the blog or my job title—I am still Brandis. And that alone means so much to me and everyone that matters.
My intention for 2019, is to use my time better. I want to stop spending it doing anything mindless unless it’s a form of self-care. I will stick to agendas, timelines and to-do lists. This will make me not only more productive but more respectful of not only my time but other people’s time too. I will respect my future by sticking to budgets and saying no to things that do not directly relate to my future financial goals. I will respect my health by not putting the things I know will exacerbate my disease in my body. I will respect my mind by unplugging more often and meditating more. I will respect my heart by sticking to my belief that I don’t need to participate in anything that isn’t beneficial for me. And I will unapologetically, speak my truth and feelings openly. And lastly, I will respect God, by knowing that His will is already done and my life is already written. So living in a state of questioning the things that happen to me, rather than learning from them is simply counterproductive and a waste of time.
These intentions will allow me to be a better person, friend, daughter, sibling, family member and girlfriend in 2019. I didn’t want a list of goals. It’s easy to create this master list for your life and tick off what you accomplish and bemoan the things you don’t. I wanted actions that drove real change in the many facets of who I am and what I am to do on this Earth. If you set intentions for your ‘insides,’ your emotions and feelings—you’ll drive tangible change. Happy whole people reach their goals because they work from within.
So instead of focusing on what you can ‘fix’ from last year or what end goal you want to see actualized for 2019, try setting intentions for the things that create lasting change. Set intentions for the essence of who you are—dig deep. Those are the the things that affect not just 2019—they make an even better you for years to come. So, cheers to 2018. She was tough lady. And here’s to 2019, may she be your best year yet.